The Ark, 2007 Version
Forwarded by Editor-in-Chief Carl Schulthess

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the constant rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark. “Noah!” He called, “I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

”Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with an inspector about a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the CC&R’s by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations, and I had to appeal a Planning Commission decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go.

“When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they had an Environmental Impact Report on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you're not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”