Irreconcilable Differences

When a Mission Viejo Republican Club spokesman commented last week about unifying the city, a reporter from the VoiceofOC.com expressed doubt it could be done. MVRC’s publicity coordinator said the new organization could unite people with commonly held beliefs.

Perhaps the VoiceofOC.com has another idea. Following the lead of a law student, John J. Wall, who wrote about splitting the nation over ideology (http://www.conservapedia.com/Essay:John_Wall_divorce_agreement), the examples below demonstrate the concept of a property settlement. Maybe it’s time to split up.

Here’s how it might work. The two parties shall be referred to as the “residents” and the “occupants” of city hall. Most of the occupants of city hall don’t live in Mission Viejo, so there’s not much overlap.

Residents shall get open spaces, trails and roadways unencumbered with junk. Occupants shall get the pilasters, road hazards and politically correct pictures foisted on taxpayers by city administrators. Occupants must keep their stuff in their offices.

Residents shall get properly maintained streets. Occupants shall get decorative mosaics along streets, as well as the “mosaics” on asphalt (streets crumbling in a mosaic pattern).

Residents shall get to enjoy Mission Viejo’s real logo of mission bells and real slogan, The California Promise. Occupants shall get their clip-art iron tree and their very own slogan, Make Living Your Mission or Make (whatever city employees are making that day – paper chains, character posters or obelisks) Your Mission. As part of the settlement, Occupants must keep their iron trees and slogans in their offices.

Residents shall get back their quaint and quirky manual message board at the corner of La Paz and Marguerite. Occupants can take the electronic sign into city hall and write important messages to each other (e.g., “Follow us on Twitter”).

Residents shall receive schedules of events, classes, etc., printed on paper appropriate for taxpayer-funded mailers. Occupants can keep their glossy City Outlook Magazine.

Residents shall have taxpayer-owned Christmas decorations spread around the city instead of nearly 100 percent of everything within 100 feet of city hall. Occupants can keep their winter solstice banners and their celebrations involving nature worship.

After a period of six months, perhaps the occupants surrounded with the clutter, junk and distractions will understand why taxpayers don’t consider these things to be part of essential public services. If not, maybe this relationship has run its course.